Life
by Psycho Babble
Summary: So confused, so angry. I just want it all to stop...  A follow on from my fic 'Anakha'


I don't own own TMNT or any of the characters, except for Anakha. The song is by VNV Nation and it's called Illusion

123456

I know its hard to tell

How mixed up you feel

Hoping what you need

Is behind every door

Each time you get hurt

I don't want you to change

Cuz everyone has hopes

You're human after all

The feeling sometimes

Wishing you were someone else

Feeling as though

You never belong

This feeling is not sadness

This feeling is not joy

I truly understand

Please don't cry now

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All my life I'd heard stories about him. Always looking out for his brothers in a fight, always there when one of my uncles needed him. And I knew that in the end he was killed by a weapon meant for my uncle; Leonardo. I didn't blame Uncle Leo, how was he to know my father would do that.

This was not the first time I had left home without permission. This time I guess you could call it running away. I'd had a fight with my Uncle Leo. He didn't understand why and I didn't want to tell him anyway, it was embarrassing.

I was tired of him telling me I had a responsibility as a ninja to do the right thing. No one ever asked me if it was what I wanted, they assumed that because they were, because my father was that it was automatically what I wanted. I was rarely allowed 'topside' on my own. Overprotective family and all that shit. I knew Uncle Leo was somewhere nearby watching closely, if not all of my uncles. Again I slammed my fist into the wall before me, I didn't care of Leo was watching.

"Where's the great Raphael Hamato now?" I asked quietly, sarcastically.

"Oh that's right, you went and done somethin' stupid and got yourself killed. Fuck this shit...and fuck you for leaving me alone like this," I muttered, angry tears in my eyes. Usually feelings and thoughts I kept strictly to myself. I wondered what my Uncles would think of me if they knew how I really felt. I carried his sai, the weapons he used to use, before he was dumb enough to get himself killed. I removed one of them from my belt and spun it easily in one hand. Staring at my green, five fingered hand and then looked up to realise I was right in front of a cracked mirror. Humanlike brown eyes that I had inherited from my mother, whom I had never known, stared back from a green face. My slender neck lead down to a weird combination of human and mutant turtle type body, breasts that were just starting to grow on my chest that led down to thick plastroon plates over my stomach, two toes on each foot that were currently encased in well worn sneakers. A heavy shell on my back finished off my very inhumanlike appearance. I slammed a fist into the looking glass, shattering it. I slid down to sit on the rooftop with my shell against the wall.

"Thanks for fucking up so spectacularly, dad, that was a real genius thing to fucking do," I muttered angrily. Yeah, so I was a twelve year old who despite the disapproval of my grandfather and uncles continued to curse. Right now I don't care.

I stuck my hand into the pocket of my jacket and removed the battered pack of cigerettes inside and lit one up. Inwardly I laughed at the idea that if Leonardo was watching me right now what he was thinking of me smoking. Right at this moment I wanted to be someone else, anyone else. Again I started talking to him, or to myself whichever you want to call it.

"Real bright fucking thing to do there, great legacy to leave behind. Get yourself fucking killed and for what? FOR FUCKING WHAT?" I screamed.

"What? Weren't up to the challenge of being a father? FUCK YOU!" I screamed again, I stubbed out the cigerette.

"Fuck you," I said more calmly. I picked up one of the shards of the broken mirror and swung it slowly between thumb and finger.

"How about I join you? Then you can tell me why it's so great being dead and not alive," I ran the sharp edge of the shard across my wrist watching the blood that spurted out at first. I could see Leonardo coming towards me, he was still far enough away that he couldn't have seen what I'd done.

"Shit," I muttered. He had perfect fucking timing, as always. I dropped the shard and pulled the sleeve of my dark jacket down to my hand. I sat watching him until he stopped right next to me.

"Anakha, you can't-" he started. I cut him off, heavy sarcasm in my tone.

"Yeah, I know, I can't do that. I'm a ninja and I have responsibilities. What if I got caught or seen or captured by our enemies? Do I know what could happened?" I finished for him, staring up at him. Leonardo sighed, shook his head.

"This isn't some kind of joke," he told me. I continued to stare at him.

"Do you see me laughing?" I asked him. I was starting to feel tired, long night or was it the fact that I was still bleeding from my wrist? For the first time I didn't care what Leonardo thought of me.

"This is my own private time," I informed him.

"Y'know when I come out here and curse him for what he's done?"

"What your father did was save my life! You need to understand that what he did-" he was saying when I cut him off again.

"Was stupid? Dumb? Selfish? Yeah, I know all of this already," I snapped. I rubbed at my eyes with thumb and forefinger of my non slashed wrists hand.

"It wasn't like he was thinking of anyone but you and himself at that moment, is it?" I asked. Remember when I said I didn't blame Leo? I might have been lying. Leonardo crossed his arms.

"Okay, let's hear. Might as well get it all out, because once you're done you're in a lot of trouble," he said. I snorted, glaring at him.

"What gives you the right to punish me? You're not my father! What are you going to do? Lock me up if I don't do as you say?" I asked. Crap, I was starting to feel light headed. Leo was gonna be pissed at me when he found out what I'd done. But who the hell cared? I'd be dead by then anyway.

"You're sixteen, Ankha. You think it's time you started behaving like that?" Leonardo asked. I could tell he was getting annoyed with me. He was also right, I was acting like a hurt little kid. And suddenly it was like I could hear my fathers voice, telling me he was sorry that this had happened, to not blame Leo, that we were family and family stuck together no matter what.

"I'm sorry..." I said, looking up with different eyes. I had never appreciated all the things that Leonardo had done for me, had given up for me. While my uncles spent time on their own interests, had 'friends' and had sometimes even dated. Leonardo had given all of that up to be the main person to raise me after my father died.

"I...can't," I told him. His eyes narrowed slightly.

"What do you mean you can't? It's simple, just start acting more respo-" he was saying, when again I cut him off, it was becoming harder to concentrate, to get the words out so instead i just pulled up the sleeve on my jacket, letting him see what I'd done to myself. His eyes widened, his hands reaching for me as I started to fall forwards.

"What have you done?" He asked. I stared up at the black sky, I could hear him faintly as though it were just background noise. Then I was being lifted upwards, my eyes sliding closed.

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Please don't go

I want you to stay

I'm begging you please

Please don't leave here

I don't want you to hate

For all the hurt that you feel

The world is just illusion

Trying to change you

Being like you are

Well this is something else

Who would comprehend

That some bad do lay claim

Divine purpose blesses them

Thats not what I believe

And it doesn't matter anyway

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Donatello finally finished cleaning Anakha up, covered her in a blanket and made his way out to the main part of the lair.

"I just don't get it," Mikey was saying, his tone for once serious.

"What would make her do this?" He asked. Splinter sat in his chair, quietly, he didn't answer Mikey. Leonardo shrugged, sighed, rubbing a tired hand down his face.

"I don't know, Mikey..." was all he could say.

"I do," Donatello spoke quietly as he joined his brothers. Leonardo rose to his feet.

"Donnie, how is she?" He asked. Donnie sat down on the sofa.

"She lost a lot of blood, but physically she'll be fine," he sighed heavily, looked up at Leonardo.

"It's the other stuff that I'm worried about,"

"What other stuff?" Leonardo asked instantly. Donatello looked from one to the other of his family, all eyes were locked on him now.

"At some stage in the last week she has had sex for the first time," he said. Leonardo's brow furrowed, he shouldn't have been surprised, his niece bucked the rules at almost every chance.

"Donnie, she's sixteen, she's bound to do a little experimenting, so long as she used protection it shouldn't be to bad," he was trying to be reasonable. Donatello was shaking his head.

"You don't understand, Leo, judging by the amount of damage it was no consensual," he was saying.

"You mean...she was raped?" Mikey spoke the words Leonardo did not want to think of. Donatello nodded sadly. They were all silent, not knowing what to say.

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Leo sat down in the chair next to the bed Anakha lay on in Donnie's lab a few hours later. Donnatello sat working on something on his computer. Her eyes opened slowly and she looked at him.

"Shit," she muttered. For once he didn't reprimand her use of a swear word. Donnatello came over to them.

"How are you feeling?" He asked her. She shrugged, not looking at either of them.

"Like I'd rather be dead," she said quietly. Leonardo came to his feet quickly.

"Is that all you can say?" He snapped. He was hard pressed to remember a time in his life that he had ever been so worried. He continued talking before she could say anything.

"You run out of here without telling anyone where you're going! You slash your wrist in what I'm assuming is a suicide attempt! Then Donnie said that you were raped!" Leo's voice was getting louder. Anakha glanced at Donnie, her face unreadable, then back to Leo.

"And?" She asked calmly.

"Leo, that's enough, this isn't helping anything," Donnie said. Leo ignored him, pointing a finger right at Anakha.

"You could have talked to one of us. Said something to me," Leo said. She nodded, sitting up on the bed.

"I tried that you didn't want to listen, you were to busy, didn't have time. Remember?" Her voice was just a little accusing. Her words seemed to take the wind right out of Leo's sails. His brow furrowed and she knew he was trying to remember when that had happened.

"Twice," she added. Leonardo glanced towards Donnie, who shrugged turning away. Crap, twice she had come to him to talk...ask for his help and twice he turned her away. Somehow saying sorry didn't seem enough. It took a moment for him to realise she was talking again.

"It doesn't matter...I wasn't really sure what to say anyway. I mean what the fuck am I meant to say? Hey, Uncle Leo, some guy raped me, but hey it's okay, it's my own fault because I left the lair without permission and wasn't paying attention anyway?" She laughed humorlessly. Leonardo stared at her for a moment, then shook his head.

"This isn't your fault, don't think that you deserved this. You didn't," he said firmly. She nodded, but didn't look convinced. Leonardo stepped closer to her and she flinched away from him. He sighed, but reached out lifting her chin to look in her eyes.

"It's true, the person to blame for this is the one who hurt you. I swear he won't do it again," this time Leo spoke with conviction. The bastard would die, it wasn't just a ninja clan honor thing this time. The guy had hurt one of their own, a child. She hugged him tightly and he knew she was crying.

"I was so scared," she whispered so quietly he barely heard her. He nodded and just held her as she cried.

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A part of your soul

Ties you to the next world

Or maybe to the last

But I'm still not sure

But what I do know

Is to us the world is different

As we are to the world

I guess you would know that

Please don't go

I want you to stay

I'm begging you please

Please don't leave here

I don't want you to hate

For all the hurt that you feel

The world is just illusion

Trying to change you


End file.
